I had a miscarriage.
********************************
Roughly five years ago, we stopped fertility treatments. I had had my third IUI, which had gone horribly, and we had visited a fertility clinic, which wasn't a great experience, either. I think a big part of that was we weren't mentally healed from the failed IUIs, and the strain of EVERYTHING was weighing on us, so that visit was doomed from the start.
After that, we stopped. We were tired, angry, frustrated, hurt, wanting answers but not getting them, and it was all just too much. We never fought about any of it, but I felt us retreating into ourselves because of it.
We took the time to focus on us and we did things we enjoy. We traveled, we hobbied, we had fun. About a year later, we bought a house and so then our focus was moving and fixing up our new place - which is still ongoing 4 years later, haha!
Fast forward to early this year, we found ourselves being pushed in the IVF direction. We'd had some major let-downs in the "Becoming Parents Department," and in a fit of anger, I lashed out at God.
What were we supposed to do now?! We had prayed, we had followed through, we have the want to be parents, what more did he want us to do?! I begged Him to take away my desire to be a mother if it wasn't meant to be. The heartbreak of daily seeing families and new babies and pregnancy announcements, it was just too much, and I didn't know that I had the strength to just smile and go through my day anymore, pretending I was ok, pretending I didn't really want what other people have. What did He want us to do?!
And in that moment of utter brokenness, I heard that whisper in my heart, "IVF."
It was almost like a movie scene, seeing this mental swirl of emotions and words and fears and tears running through your head like a tornado, and suddenly, with the utterance of those three letters, the winds died down, and the sun came out and it all was going to be ok.
Isn't it amazing what God's peace can do?
I dwelled on it for a while because I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me making things up. (I know, I know, Doubting Thomas.) But, for me at least, I can't really speak for my husband, I had pretty much discounted ever doing IVF. It was too expensive and too much of a gamble. I am a super practical person and I'm very conscious of spending (ok, mostly conscious, haha!), and spending 10s of thousands of dollars on something that might work wasn't feasible to me. Plus, the doctors can find nothing wrong with me, so what odds are there of IVF working?
So, I knew, those words whispered on my heart were His, not mine. And I told my husband.
And he said, Let's do it.
So we did.
We went to CCRM Houston, formerly Houston IVF, to see Dr. Katherine McKnight, who had been recommended to us, and I now know that was a God thing too. Dr. McKnight is absolutely wonderful and has been such a comfort through everything.
From the start, everything went smoothly on CCRM's end. All my parts looked great, responded great to medication. Egg retrieval went well, and we ended up with 4 viable embryos. We opted to have them genetically tested for the best options and one was found to be missing Chromosome 1, so we were left with 3.
3 potential babies.
My transfer was scheduled and proceeded perfectly, and we waited for the results 9 days later.
My nurse called. We were pregnant! It was a successful transfer!
I cannot even begin to tell you the cloud we were on! It was WAY above #9!
We had our 6-weeks check-up/ultrasound and saw the heartbeat. It was such a surreal experience to see that flicker on the screen knowing that was inside of me! I was growing that! Finally, after nearly 10 years, we were pregnant!! WE WERE GOING TO BE PARENTS!
I was scheduled for an official 8-weeks ultrasound, which would also be my discharge date. I would be released from the wonderful staff at CCRM to my regular OB/GYN, and I'll admit, I was a little sad. But excited, too, for what was to be.
************************************
There was no heartbeat. No flicker. No blood flow.
The tiny baby was still there, still protected in my womb, but it had no life.
Dreams. Shattered.
How?! Why?! THIS IS WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO!!!
My doctor called it a "missed abortion," also known as a missed miscarriage. My body hadn't yet aborted the fetus. My poor body was holding on to the dream as hard as it could.
I felt so betrayed, so hurt. There really wasn't anger. I was just hurt that I had followed God's leading, and this was where it took me. To more heartbreak. To proving once again how strong I could be. I was tired of proving how strong I could be.
I had the dream IN MY HANDS, within my grasp, and He took it away.
Just like my fertility diagnosis, there's no explanation for why I lost it. It just happened.
************************************
I've always wondered if I could even get pregnant. Throughout our entire time trying, I've never suspected I was pregnant, even for just a few weeks. There were a couple of times where my cycle was late by a week or two, and I thought O? But no sooner than that thought crossed my mind, Aunt Flo would come to visit.
But now I know my body does cooperate, at least with some help.
And, even with that heartbreak, even with the questioning, we're going to go on. We're going to try again. Because, really, I don't believe that whisper was in vain. The devil wants me to think it was just my head playing games, but I know it was words spoken into my heart from my Daddy God, as my mom would call Him.
But, now, on the OBs form for the doctor visit, I can check:
Pregnancy - 1
Miscarriage - 1
Welcome to the club, right?
Photo cred: Photo by insung yoon on Unsplash
Comments
Post a Comment