In the beginning, there were 11 eggs retrieved from my ovaries.
(I cried when I came-to after the retrieval and saw that number on the board in my room. I had been hoping for so many more.)
7 were mature enough for fertilization.
4 successfully fertilized and were sent for genetic testing.
2 came back genetically good. 1 did not.
And 1 had no genetic result (the DNA did not survive the trip to the lab)
So, that was 3 chances to become parents. 3 possibilities to make our dream come true, with one of them still an uncertainty.
The first two transfers - with the 2 good embryos - didn't end happily.
Our third transfer, our last hope, was with our unknown embryo. From 11 to 1.
And that was our little embryo that could.
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From the day we got the call that it was a positive pregnancy test, our nerves have been frayed and we've lived on the edge of panic. There were a few incidents that scared us, but we made it to 8 weeks and were released from the IVF clinic to begin seeing my regular OB. I breathed a sigh of relief when we saw the heartbeat on the first ultrasound. 2 weeks later, at 12 weeks, we saw the heartbeat again, and I was told I would now be less likely to have a miscarriage.
But that doesn't make the fear go away. Every twinge, every ache, every little difference you notice makes you wonder, is it coming? Is that miscarriage right around the corner? Every day I lived with that fear and at my 16-week appointment, hearing that heartbeat was akin to taking a breath before drowning. I kept reading in books and online about things my body should be doing, and mine wasn't doing them, so I had convinced myself something was wrong, and that our little nugget wasn't going to be there anymore.
But it was. And slowly I'm beginning to see all the things happening that says you're pregnant (it should be said, I am NOT a patient person.) including a bump that's harder and harder to hide! I'm more relaxed and more confident, but there will always be, I think, that little voice in the very back of my mind questioning everything, constantly telling me this is all too good to be true.
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On good days, I let myself imagine: what life will be like in just a few months' time, what the first Christmas will be like, and our first road trip adventure. What baby will look like (will it favor me or the hubs because we both have strong family genes!). What baby will be like (will all my stressing now transfer to him/her and make them a worry-wort like me or will they be easy-going like my husband??).
But then I get scared of hoping and I quit imagining. I haven't downloaded any baby tracker apps. There's talk of a baby shower and I haven't put the date in my calendar. I haven't even put D-Day in my calendar! It's really become a one-day-at-a-time for me, which is so opposite of my planner personality.
There's so much risk in dreaming, and now that our dream is coming to be a reality, the risk of being hurt is even greater. And I'm so tired of being heartbroken. So I don't let myself get too excited, too caught up in what will be. But as time goes by, and my bump gets bigger, it's harder and harder to ignore the glee!
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Announcing a pregnancy has become a big to-do these days, especially on social media. I've been asked by those who know our situation when we're gonna post it. For years I imagined how I'd do it, how I would tell the world my dream finally came true. My creative side tried to come up with something super unique. And especially with IVF, there's the picture with all the shots and vials with the ultrasound picture and baby shoes. I haven't decided what we'll do, or if we'll do a big announcement. After everything, it's still hard to put myself out there and to acknowledge that this is really happening. Because, what if, the moment I do accept it, it all falls apart again? Horrible attitude, I know, but it's there in the back of my mind. But I know there are those that will want to celebrate with us, so sharing our news is probable, lol. The when and how are still debatable! I probably will do the shots pic, just not to share, but to put in their baby book so they can one day see THIS is how much we wanted you.
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This experience has truly been incredible. It hasn't been easy, let me make that clear. It takes a toll on you physically and mentally. (I'm STILL bruised from all the shots. I'm still a nervous wreck before the ultrasounds.) It wasn't even a journey I thought I'd ever be able to take, nor did I want to take. Knowing the amount of time and money it was going to take was daunting enough, but then to know it would be a total gamble? Why bother with it. But when that still, small voice tells you to do it and everything begins to fall in place to make it happen, you gotta do it. After our failed IUIs, I gave up for a while. And that experience was nothing compared to IVF. But somehow, in all the hardship with IVF, I never felt like giving up. We had 3 tries to make it happen so I knew I could make it through those, even though after our second transfer, my hope was dimming.
I think I will always wonder why this was my path. Why, when everything functions as it should, we couldn't get pregnant naturally and had to involve science? (I won't say we had to involve Him, because He was in this all along with us.) Why did I have to struggle and hurt to get to this point? It's nothing I can change, and it certainly has made me into who I am now, which is someone I am proud of, but I'd still love to know why. One of those on the list of 1,000 questions for God when I get to the pearly gates, haha!
I'm also still battling the age demons. I can't stop doing the math: when they're 3, I'll be 40. When they're 18, I'll be 54. Am I burdening my child with elderly parents? How unfair is that? Are people going to mistake me for the grandparent one day? (Am I being overdramatic, haha?!) But I keep telling myself age is just a number and this is all part of His plan, and He wouldn't have set it this way if he didn't think me, my husband, or my child could do it. Right?
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Baby C will be here in March, although it is still very hard to believe and very hard to really celebrate.
Miscarriage will do that.
But we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is a blessing from God and our love for our little nugget already knows no bounds. We may not be outwardly glowing parents-to-be yet, but we are excited and anxious and in awe and ready to start this new chapter!
To everyone who was by our side, who said a prayer for us, who hurt with us, and who will celebrate with us, you are appreciated more than you know. Some days it isn't easy to be open to comfort but knowing there were those who had our backs made it easier to keep trucking on.
Thank you for thinking of us.
Photo by Kristel Hayes on Unsplash
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