My mom was just shy of her 26th birthday when she had me, her first child. My brother followed two years later. I always felt like my mom was a youthful parent, always super involved in our activities, playing and doing with us all during our growing up. That sorta became my ideal for when I would become a parent.
I always knew I wanted to be a young parent. I wanted to have the same youthful attitude & energy with my children while they were growing up. I wanted to have the same kind of relationship with my kids that I had with my mom.
My goal was 25. By the time I turned 25, I wanted to be married, be somewhat set in my career and have a home. At that point, I would be ready for kids. And at 25, I had accomplished all of that. But the kids haven't come, and the years keep going by, and my age keeps getting higher and higher.
That was 10 years ago. I'm now 35. I'm one of those people that cried when I turned 30, but I think it was mainly because of the infertility thing. Because I hadn't reached that last milestone I wanted in my 20s.
We started IVF just before I turned 35, which I felt was cutting it close. Because after 35, women who have no issue getting pregnant start having issues with pregnancy. Your odds of getting pregnant go down. What did that mean for someone who was already having trouble?
And then, of course, I started doing the math. If I have the kid at 35, how old will I be when they graduate HS? When they get married? Would I be a young enough parent? Am I too old to be a parent? Are they going to be embarrassed because their parents may have a few gray hairs when they're in first grade?
The age factor, that stupid number we attach to ourselves, was driving me insane. I constantly compare myself to other mothers and try to gauge their age, and even how old they would have been when they first had kids. It's ridiculous, I know. But I had such a strong vision in mind when I pictured myself as a parent that it's hard to move past it. Hard to accept that what I pictured, what I wanted, isn't going to happen. It's not in His plan.
I find myself looking for gray hairs, studying the wrinkles around my eyes, seeing how droopy my boobs are, looking for and analyzing every sign of aging.
But I also know, and heartily believe, that you are only as old as you feel. I most assuredly do not feel 35. I have days when my physical body would disagree big time, but mind and soul I feel much younger. And that mindset, I know, will influence how I parent. It will make me the young parent I always wanted to be, no matter what I appear to be on the outside.
Society may view me as an older parent, and there will be days I look in the mirror and cry over how old I look, but as long as my child doesn't feel my age, that will be the accomplishment. That should be my goal now.
Age is just a number. It is just a math equation. It is not a deciding factor in what happens when or how your life will go. And that's a hard concept when you've been told the opposite most of your life.
Sometimes, I start to doubt our IVF journey. I'm making a conscious decision to try and become a parent at my age. Am I nuts? And then I think, if others can do it, so can I. God will make me a mom when I'm meant to be one. There are women over 40 in my fertility clinic. They'd probably love to be 35 and going through this process. It's hard. And my self-esteem isn't the greatest, but one thing my mom did teach me: Where there's a will, there's a way. And I most definitely have the will!
I'm 35 and I want to be a first-time mom!
Photo cred: Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
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