Negativity is somewhat frowned upon in society. No one wants to deal with mad people, sad people, depressed people or irate people. I am definitely one of them. We're told to surround ourselves with happy people to keep our own spirits up. And it's kind of understood that nobody wants to hear all your negative thoughts or feelings. Ain't nobody got time for that!
But, in dealing with infertility and the loss of a dream, it is ok to feel all the feelings (you kind of have to!). It is especially ok to feel the bad feelings. It is ok to be mad, sad, depressed and irate. And it is ok to voice those feelings - to let them go - because if you keep them locked inside because nobody wants to be bothered with them, then YOU have to deal with them. They eat at your soul and begin to consume you until you no longer recognize the person in the mirror.
Some days you have to force a smile, but that doesn't mean you can't feel the true feelings raging inside of you.
I see babies and I feel emptiness.
I see pregnant women and I feel depressed.
I see a pregnant woman with 4 other kids and I feel angry.
I see evidence of my monthly visitor and I feel defeated.
I see the debt from my IVF treatments and I feel overwhelmed.
I see women in church pregnant and I feel hurt.
I see Facebook pregnancy announcements and I feel heartbroken.
But.
But, in dealing with infertility and the loss of a dream, it is ok to feel all the feelings (you kind of have to!). It is especially ok to feel the bad feelings. It is ok to be mad, sad, depressed and irate. And it is ok to voice those feelings - to let them go - because if you keep them locked inside because nobody wants to be bothered with them, then YOU have to deal with them. They eat at your soul and begin to consume you until you no longer recognize the person in the mirror.
Some days you have to force a smile, but that doesn't mean you can't feel the true feelings raging inside of you.
I see babies and I feel emptiness.
I see pregnant women and I feel depressed.
I see a pregnant woman with 4 other kids and I feel angry.
I see evidence of my monthly visitor and I feel defeated.
I see the debt from my IVF treatments and I feel overwhelmed.
I see women in church pregnant and I feel hurt.
I see Facebook pregnancy announcements and I feel heartbroken.
But.
I see other women struggling with infertility and I feel united.
I see the children a part of my life and I feel love.
I see God's promise for me and I feel hope.
I see my husband and best friend beside me and I feel peace.
While friends, family, coworkers, people don't want to hear or deal with your feelings, it is ok to have them. It is ok to feel the things that aren't good.
And maybe it's time for people to just have to deal with it. I have to. I have to LIVE with it. So why force a smile? Be sad, be angry, be depressed. I have a right to those feelings and people just need to understand that this is my reality.
It's impossible to live with this daily struggle and be happy all the time. It's impossible to put on a brave face all the time because no one wants to deal with your tears.
I'm already fighting one impossibility. I don't want another.
Photo cred: Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash
Wow! I can relate in every aspect of the anger and then disappoint in myself to be sad and depressed. I am beyond grateful for my bonus children my husband has given me, but the hope of just one to give birth to and wonder what may be is a constant battle. Between multiple failed IVF and medications it caused more depression and weight gain that had its own issues. You are so brave for putting this true battle in the words and light. Tugs at the heart. Sharing to a friend struggling also now. Thank you.
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