All That is Good

I would like to set the record straight.

There is a lot of hurt and anger when one is dealing with infertility.  But it really isn't all bad.  I've found lots of good going on this journey.

And I don't begrudge people with children.  I'm sure I sound resentful and angry that others were blessed with kids.  I'm not not guilty of thinking, Really, they're having another?!  But I would never wish that their blessing didn't exist, and the anger and resentfulness aren't directed towards people with kids.

I'm angry and resentful at myself, that I don't have children of my own yet.

But we do have children who are a part of our lives that we love like our own.  We have nephews and nieces.  We have two nephews and a niece who aren't blood family - but they ARE family - and the day they started calling us Aunt and Uncle, that was the best feeling.  We have two girls who are like our godchildren that we love like family.  Not to mention all the kids we know from church and work that see us at the store or the library or wherever, and tell us hi and give us hugs.  We are Uncle Karl & Aunt Jenni, Mr. Karls & Ms. Jenni, and we treasure those titles!  We don't have kids of our own, but we have been given children to love, and being a part of their lives has been a true blessing.

And, admittedly, it's nice to call their parents and say, Come get them! hahahaha

But I wonder at times, would these relationships exist if we had had kids of our own at this point?  These kids who mean the world to us, would our connections be as strong if we were focused on our children?  Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that; every parent would say their kid comes first.  But the love that we know is a blessing; would we have been deprived of that blessing had God answered our prayers years ago?

It really is something to reflect on.  And I see where, no, we haven't been given our desire yet, but He gave us something else in the meantime, and it is beautiful!

Would I have seen that had I not been traveling the infertility road??

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Something else good in our lives have been our adventures.  My husband and I have discovered that we love to travel and explore new places and things.  Growing up, my family never had the income to allow us to travel much.  The only time I ever went out of state was to visit family in Oklahoma, and we drove.  Family vacations were always fun, but we never ventured far from home.

At the beginning of our marriage, Karl and I would take mini-getaways for our anniversaries - a tradition that still continues - and again, we never went too far, but always to somewhere new.  And I began to crave travel.

Now, we plan bigger and further than we ever did, than I ever dreamed of growing up, and I. Love. It!  I've now flown in an airplane (that's a pretty big deal for me, btw haha!), been to more than just the next state over, and we have plans for overseas adventures.  I seriously want to be one of those couples that retires, buys an RV, and travels everywhere!  I want to see it all!

Kids definitely don't keep you from traveling.  Family vacations, duh!  But, you have to admit, they do make planning more involved.  There's the added expense of multiple people, figuring in kid-friendly activities, deciding how you'll travel and how long it will take to get there with added stops should you choose to drive.  Kids definitely make traveling more complicated (not necessarily in a bad way, tho! - you just have to think more about it).

For years, we were able to just go and do what we wanted, and that freedom was most assuredly a blessing!  Would I have wanted to travel with our children and show them new places to explore?  Absolutely, 100%.  Looking back, am I glad we didn't have kids?  Absolutely, 100%.

We still have lots of places we want to go, but we've had almost 14 years of just the two of us doing it.  We're ready for more complications.

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Oddly enough, I see incredible beauty in the IVF process, too.  And I am in awe of God's creation and the way He has made things work, especially within our bodies.

For example, when "normal" people get pregnant, it's because they did the deed, took a test, and that's it.  They're pregnant.  There isn't a lot of thought to how exactly it happened.

With the in-vitro process, you get to experience every step of pregnancy.  Many times during the process, you get to see every step.

When I had my tubes flushed, I saw on the screen where my eggs travel to reach the womb.

When I was taking the drugs to produce lots of eggs, I got to see the follicles on the screen and I learned what a follicle was and what a good size was.

When I have my ultrasounds to have my lining measured, I see my uterus lining on the screen and have learned what a good measurement is and how important that lining is.

I've learned that a woman's body makes follicles, and one of those follicles becomes the egg.  And when that egg is fertilized it travels to the womb.  And when the lining is the right size, that fertilized egg will implant and hopefully begin to grow.  (There's a lot more to it; that was the very brief blog version, haha!)  And, after a successful transfer, when you come back in 6 weeks for an ultrasound, you see the heartbeat that literally grew from next to nothing!

Have you ever really thought about the fact that two somethings so minuscule come together to make an embryo small enough to fit into a petri dish, that then grows into an 8-pound wonder??

When it's transfer day, at my clinic, the embryo is brought into the room in an incubator, not unlike those in a NICU.  It is treated with reverence and joy.  They place it under a powerful microscope to allow you to see this small piece of life about to be placed into the care of your womb.  "There's your embryo!"  (It looks like a bubbly blob, haha!)  The staff is really just about as excited as you are.  I get to watch on the ultrasound screen as the catheter is put in place and the embryo is released into my uterus.  It's just a speck of white light on the screen and reminds me of the little white light in Disney cartoons that floats around representing magic.  And that's what this is:  magic!!

I cried afterward.  The reality of life being placed inside of me and that we were making a baby was overwhelming.  Our first embryo was a blastocyst, which is a really good thing (more that I learned.)  The second wasn't.

We have one more embryo left.  And I can't wait to meet it.  Hopefully soon.  #stupidCovid-19

But all these things that typically happen from the comfort of your insides, concealed from the world, are an amazing work of art!  A precise and perfect process!  Something taken for granted, just part of life.

But it IS life!

And my husband and I got to see how it works!!

I am so much more educated not just on reproduction, but the wonder of my body and the amazing puzzle that God created.  And I appreciate so much more the amazingness of science and God's hands.

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This journey has been hella hard, but I do see so much good still.  It isn't all anger living inside me.  I have to want to see the good, tho, and sometimes it's real easy to drown in my sorrows accompanied by a tall glass of whiskey on the rocks.  But the truth is I don't want to be sad or angry.  I want happiness in my life.  I want peace.

So I have to choose to see all that is good in this life I've been given.

Which, really, is a lot.





Photo cred: Photo by Mike Marrah on Unsplash