The First of the Last

We've begun our last cycle.  I've given myself the first of the last shots I'll do for IVF.  Starting this third cycle has been full of its ups and downs.  #stupidcovid, for one.  Finances for another.  Lots and lots of emotions.

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I was two days away from starting my shots when we got the call from our clinic back in March that all transfers were being postponed.  We kinda felt like it was coming - I mean, everything was shutting down, so it wasn't a total blow, but it still sucked.  So my meds sat in their box, waiting for things to clear up so we could get started again.

Our second transfer was done the day before Thanksgiving, and obviously, it didn't take.  We had the option to begin again right away.  But I think we rushed our second cycle.  Or I did.  I was staring a birthday in the face and wanted desperately to be pregnant before I passed that threshold.  So, as soon as we could following my D&C procedure after the miscarriage, we pushed on for Round 2.  I don't think I was ready yet, though.  And I think that's part of why my body said, "Um, nah, we'll pass on this one."

Maybe even my doctor recognized this.  At our follow-up from our failed transfer, she suggested we take a little time, even though we could start again right away.  So we did.  We got through the holidays and put it a little to the back of our minds.  Until we both said, "yeah, it's time" a couple months later.

I was excited, too.  After the break, it felt like brand new again.  A new adventure.  New possibilities.  Mentally, physically, I was ready.

But in the months since the postponement, I've not done so well.  The old worries have come back.  The old "what ifs."  The old concerns about things I can't control.

And I'm being haunted by our first two cycles.

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I know now what to expect, and yet I'm sure there are so many other things that could happen.  But I know what it would be like to be told it worked, and I know what it would be like to be told it didn't work.

I remember the phone calls with both results and I remember the tears from both.  I remember the joy and the heartache.  

All the memories of how things went are there, and make a constant marquee scrolling through my head: "Will it be like that this time?"

I had talked with my counselor about our last cycle and my worries.  She suggested making a list and focusing on the things I can control, rather than all the things out of my control...which was essentially everything I am worried about!

I made the list and have really tried meditating on each thing on it to calm my mind.  It works...when I can remember to do it.  I need better focus to focus on the things I need to focus on. 😝

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I also have developed a bad habit of comparing my story to others' stories.  I follow a lot of social media stuff dealing with infertility.  And a lot of it is super helpful in not feeling alone.

But sometimes I'll read someone's story - success or not - and start seeing similarities between them and me.

    We've been trying for years, too!

    They can't find anything wrong with me, either!

    Our embryos are in good shape, too.

    We had a miscarriage, too.

    We had planned the pregnancy announcement, too.

    Their story is just like ours, and they got pregnant with IVF, so should we!

    Their story is just like ours and it didn't work for them, so it may not work for us.

Everyone's story is different.  No matter how similar, something about it will set it apart from the others.  And yet, no matter how many times I tell myself that - something I KNOW to be true - I can't help but search for signs that their story might be my story, too.

And with the positive, there's negative.  Those stories that sound so achingly familiar, that don't have happy endings...will that be me, too?  Will their story be my story?

They say comparison is the thief of joy, but it is also the mother of stress.

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My whole life I have been a worrier.  So it isn't an easy thing to turn off.  I have to make myself focus on not worrying, otherwise, it's just second nature.  

And I try to remember, too: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.  

I cannot control what my body will do with this last embryo.  Science and medicine can only get it so far.  Once it enters the embrace of my womb, I have to let go and let God.  God created my body exactly the way it is and He'll be the one to tell my uterus whether or not to let life grow.  I really shouldn't be worried about what God's gonna do.

So, here goes.  Third time's a charm, right?

📷: me