Now that we're into our last cycle, I've been thinking about this whole process and how I was in the beginning compared to how I am now.
Mentally, eh. I mean, this stuff works a number on your emotions, fo sho!
Then there's the comparison game I play that I mentioned here. Again, not very helpful in the emotions department.
But, honestly the biggest difference is physically. And for someone who's never really had great self-image confidence, this is hard.
Of course, you hear stories about the havoc hormones can wreak on your body: weight gain, emotional rollercoasters, food cravings, becoming a holy terror. But I think I thought - hoped - I wouldn't be one of those people. Like, if I put it in my mind that I wasn't going to be that way then I wouldn't be that way.
Ha.
Ha ha ha.
This body says, That's what you think.
****************************************
In high school I got real focused on my appearance. I wanted to fit in, and skinny girls fit in, so I focused on getting skinny. {Totally healthy attitude, lemme tell ya.} I was very conscious about what I ate. And I ran. I'd go to the track and run and jog and do bleachers. And I was a proud size 4.
Throughout the years after high school, I was still very conscious of my weight and worked to keep it down, but I did gain some. Nothing too alarming.
With age comes maturity - for most, haha - and my body image focus went from staying skinny to being healthy. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I was truly ok with how my body was built and I was ok that I wasn't going to be a size 4 anymore. I also understand that metabolism plays a big part in how my body is, as well as genetics, and I'm not as active as I once was. And despite my "ambitions" in high school, I have NEVER been someone who enjoys or wants to engage in exercise. It is a huge battle with myself to just go for a walk or yoga or anything.
But in spite of age, lack of exercise, etc., I was happy with my body size and shape. Sure, I'd love to go back to that thin girl, but it wasn't a point of sadness anymore. Or an obsession.
But I've now been on a lot of hormones steadily for over a year. I've put into my body more than what it would naturally produce, and I'm seeing a big difference from just a year ago. I'm seeing all those effects that I swore wouldn't happen to me.
My clothes fit a lot more snug, and I've had to up my size. I find myself wanting to up the slimming settings on my selfie camera. I hate taking selfies and pics period. I hate wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts, no matter how hot it is in this Texas summer.
Just the other day I had someone comment about how I must be expecting because of my double chin and neck. Which, for one, how do you just straight up say that to someone?! But, man, that was a bit of a slap. I mean, I know I'm trying to be expecting, just didn't really know I already looked it.
I hate looking at myself in the mirror because of who is looking back at me. Someone who I swore I'd never be. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. And I'm fearful of gaining weight for a pregnancy, should that happen. I'll be a freaking whale!
***************************************
I know there are people who'd love to be my size. But because I know I could be better, I'm not happy. I've tried to knock the weight back down: watching calories, cutting sugars, trying to walk more & be more active, doing Weight Watchers, watching my carb intake, taking some stupid $100 liquid gold crap that was going to melt away my fat. Nothing helps. Nothing makes that scale go down. And it's so frustrating!
Fear is also keeping me from doing something about it now, too. I keep wondering, did I lose my first baby because I went swimming that one time? Because I worked too hard outside in the yard that one day? Did the second embryo not take because I went for a walk to the neighbor's house not long after transfer? Did doing these mundane, active things cause the first cycles to fail? Do I want to take that chance for our last one? Is it worth the risk just to look and feel good?? Part of me worries/wonders if being at work is even too much?
****************************************
My body is unhealthy. But I'm doing what I have to to try and get pregnant. Is that the trade-off? Am I stuck now being big because I followed a dream? I didn't expect this outcome, this side effect. I don't want to be an overweight, unhealthy mom. I'm going to have to work extra hard, no matter the outcome of this cycle, to get myself back again.
I'm going to have to get real focused on my appearance again. But for healthy's sake. Not popularity's.
📷: Taylor Smith
Comments
Post a Comment