Scars

 

I am one of the most accident-prone people I know.  My body is constantly covered in bruises, and most of the time I can't remember where they came from.  And it's somewhat of a running joke that I shouldn't be allowed to handle knives or sharp blades because I will inevitably cut myself.

I have a horribly long scar - and a couple of smaller ones - on my right thigh from the time I was too afraid of the possibility of a snake in the garden so I leaned over a cyclone fence to reach the water hose faucet and fell. That's the worst scar on my body.

I have a multitude of other scars all over my body, and most of those I can tell you where they came from.  The stories my body could tell!

But I also have scars unseen, beneath the surface, deeper in my soul.  I think we all have those, too.  Moments, events, that have changed us somehow.  Sometimes those scars turn into bitterness and cynicism.  Sometimes we can learn from them and use them as reminders of how good things really are. Sometimes when the wounds heal, the scars make us a better person.

Just like I am scarred by the loss of my mother.  There's a big gap in my heart that still hasn't healed, the wound still causes pain.  That was a deep cut, and I'm not sure it will ever fully heal.  And it's a scar that has done all of the above: made me bitter, made me remember the good things, made a different person.  That's the worst scar on my soul.

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I'm also scarred from our first two transfers.  These are more mental scars and have the power to consume my thoughts!  Or maybe I have given them that power.

As I've mentioned, our second transfer didn't take.  I blame myself for it, but we'll never really know what caused it to fail when all the elements were right.  I remember, though, doing my medications thinking it was pointless because it didn't work.  Deep down, I already knew.  I didn't feel any different.  It's funny how you just know.

And then, our first transfer.  It was successful, to a point.  I remember what I felt those first couple of weeks, and then how I didn't feel anything.  How I told my husband I didn't feel pregnant, even though ultrasound and HcG confirmed I was.  We know how that ended up.  No heartbeat at the 8-week ultrasound.  I didn't feel pregnant because I wasn't really.  There was an embryo there, but no life.

Both of those experiences scarred my soul.  Scarred my mind.  And they are influencing how I am handling this last - and final - transfer.  My mind constantly runs through the things I felt with each one, and will I, do I, feel those things with this third transfer?  My focus is on what was, not what could be and I know that isn't healthy. 

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These deep internal scars can really only be healed in one way.  My biggest downfall is the ability to truly let go and let God.  So many times I have tried to tell myself that it is completely out of my control.  The moment that embryo enters my body, my hands are tied.  There is nothing more that I can do, but everything that God can do.  But those words only hold my focus for a short time, and then I'm back to worrying and overanalyzing.

I know that no matter the outcome, He'll hold me.  He'll hold me in joy or He'll hold me in sorrow.  And whatever the outcome, it was His will, no matter how hard that may be to swallow.  And I try to let that comfort me.

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Scars affect us.  My scars on my thighs affected my self-esteem for a while.  They affected my body because I'm pretty sure one of them cut a nerve.  They affect my memory, and my ability to laugh at myself.  What pain I was in all because I was scared of the possibility of a snake. (I utterly HATE snakes, if you couldn't tell. 😂)

My mom scars affect my emotions and memories.  They make me recall things I had forgotten and cherish the little things that at the time seem meaningless.  They make me ache in ways I never thought possible.

My IVF scars are affecting my health & well-being and my ability to focus on the miracle of the process, to focus on the good.  

All of my scars make me who I am, good or bad.

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There's that famous quote: "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."  

I think you could also say, Everyone you meet has scars you know nothing about. Be considerate.

📷 by Taisiia Stupak on Unsplash